THE PERFECT IS THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD

This thought has been rolling around in my head all week, this idea of the perfect. Is it that continually trying to be perfect is an enemy of the good in life. 

(This idea is thought to come from a poem byVoltaire.)

It is now mid January and since Thanksgiving I gained enough weight so that some of my pants that fit in November are now not comfortable.

What will I do next? It feels like I am facing a testing and a battle to find normal, yet again. In the past I would either: buy larger clothes, or, try an extreme diet. However, I made some commitments when I decided to find normal for myself.

I made promises to myself that I would:

#1. Not do crazy diets, just short-term, healthy ones.

#2. Make it a life goal to discover how to eat daily in a way that helps me to maintain a normal weight without continual ups and downs.

#3. Accept myself as I am (no trash-talking to self).

#4. Not spend much mental or emotional energy on food obsessing. (This means not focusing too much time or thought on feasting or dieting, but instead I will focus on living).

Thoughts for the battle: We are all made differently and we each have our own type and style of beauty. I went to an exercise session at a local pool and I was changing in a locker room surrounded by naked middle-aged and older women. I have been married to a man for many years and was not ogling at women's bodies, but I couldn't help thinking as I was changing clothes, that women are.... pretty. Their various womanly curves are beautiful. We were beautiful. The women around me were curvy and dimpled, yet strong and lovely.

Now, if I can see the beauty when I look at a group of tall, thin, short, round, flat, fat women, WHY can't I see beauty in myself?

I think it is harder now than ever to see ourselves as lovely women because our eyes and minds are full of unending media exposure. In magazines and on the TV, we see many super-models every day. Society's visual change began many years ago; C.S. Lewis commented in Screwtape Letters that “we now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female’s chronic horror of growing old...It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits or tights are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender and more boyish than nature allows a full-grown woman to be.”

And now add photoshop! 

We all want to be attractive. Today, the media defines beautiful as super skinny and we see so many images, we accept this false normal. In addition, we find that fleeting look impossible to achieve. This can cause us to give up on trying to be healthy and beautiful in our own selves and with our own inherited shape. We should rebel! We are not un-beautiful, we were just born in the WRONG CENTURY to be in style!

So, in support of accepting that women come in all kinds of beautiful shapes and sizes, I will, Accept myself as beautiful right now. I will stop spending another minute being sorry for who I am NOT. That mindset is the enemy of joy and a waste of valuable emotional energy that should be used for living and loving.

You and I are lovely and beloved.

Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

Isaiah 43:1b Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

A REAL GROWN UP

I was very angry the other day and I found myself tempted to throw something down the stairs. So I said silently to myself, “A MATURE Christian woman does not throw temper-fits!”

Doesn't she? I had to laugh.

It is hard to be a real grown-up. In two months we plan to move out of our house where we have lived for 30+years and we will be renting for a year or two. We want to move to another state where our son, daughter-in-law and grandson live. We will check out that area to see if it could be a permanent place  and home for us.

Now I am faced with all kinds of curious challenges that I haven't had to deal with in a long, long time. I will have to think about my credit score and if I can be considered “rent-worthy.” Really? I will be required to ask friends to be references for me and they will be asked to describe my housekeeping and bill-paying habits. I am soft and comfortable right where I am and I don't want to be uprooted and…. face so much change. I have lived in this house for 30 years and I am a grown-up!!

I even thought about putting an ad on the craigslist in our new home-town saying, “Two REAL grown-ups are looking for a place to rent. We know how to mow the lawn and wash the windows. Our dog is well cared for and doesn't potty in the house because we take her outside often. We do the dishes and pay all our bills and we never, ever throw temper-fits and toss things down the stairs. I'm hoping someone answers my ad who knows how to laugh.

But then I had to think, how does a REAL grown-up eat? And I have to ask myself, “Do I truly want to know the answer to that question?”

I think grown-ups have self-control, most of the time. They probably don't stash a half gallon of ice cream under other things in the freezer, so only they know it's in there. They eat well most of the time, so they can eat a piece of cake at a wedding or enjoy Christmas pie without sweating the extra calories. A REAL Grown-up works hard to find ways to eat food they that is also healthy. They exercise regularly and don't whine about it either.

Today, I'm reminding myself that my goal is to be a really, truly, and fully grown-up. I must make lots of choices every day. Because I am mature, I can choose to call upon some maturity and inner strength to make good choices in regard to food. The days that I am weak, I ask God to send the extra strength I'm lacking. I will not be good or grown-up every day or every single choice forever, but I can do this  most days, most of the time. I will even fail at times and say it is Ok to fail some days. Then I will get up and go on.

But for today, I will be strong and really, truly, totally grown-up.

I DON'T KNOW THE RULES

You wouldn't think so, but some things in life scare me. Even if in other areas of life, I am brave. After all, I taught junior high, so.... I am tough as nails, right?

But now I am contemplating a move halfway across the country and I am afraid. The work to be done is scary. We have been in our home for over 30 years. I have stuff. I will have to be brutal and tough as I toss, save, give, and store things.

My biggest fear is losing my friends. I am a bit of an introvert, so I have a few really good friends. Some people have an army of them, but not me. That means I do make friends carefully, but not easily. Here at home, I don't have to put myself out and risk rejection, but from now on I will. Customs and social rules in different parts of the country are very different too. I live in the Pacific Northwest, so those are the rules I know about.

My daughter grew up here, but has become and East Coastie. I figured out that one way you can tell where someone is from is by their response to the baristas in Starbucks. My daughter and her husband were here visiting and they bought coffee on the way home from an errand. My son-in-law was upset by the treatment he received. “Why do they have to keep talking to me? I don't want to tell them how my day was!” They are now East Coasties, no question. In the East, you mind your own business and don't waste someone's time unnecessarily.

I, however live in the Pacific Northwest. We smile, share a few words. Nod. Make eye contact. We all know the rules in our hometowns.

I visited my new home-town and I had errands in three different stores. Women I did not know smiled broadly and made direct eye-contact—for no reason. I was actually disturbed, thinking to myself, “Why is she smiling at me? She doesn't know me!!?!” And then I realized, new place, new people. I don't know the rules and I should stop scowling at strangers. I'm hoping I can link with some of those smiling women and make friends. But doing that is still stressful.

And what does stress do? Stress makes me eat. I like to cook and I do enjoy my own cooking. Far too much, I think. I have been eating a lot. I am trying to minimize the damage of my moving stress.

Lately, I have been in the process of figuring out how to trade not-very-healthy comfort meals for less damaging comfort meals. Before, when I was stressed, I would make home-made cinnamon rolls or chicken pot-pie with thick biscuit crust. Carbs, crunch, meat, warm... happy foods.

One comfort food trade that works for me is a type of salad. I take rice and add cooked taco meat over it. I add salsa, some sour cream, then chopped up spinach/onion/tomato mix. Then I sprinkle a few crushed taco chips and add some ranch. It makes a comfort-salad, if there is such a thing.

We each have to find ways to comfort ourselves when we are stressed and afraid. What helps is to find out what comforts each of us personally and find food ways to comfort ourselves without doing too much damage from overeating. Trying to follow some not-eating regime while ignoring stress simply doesn't work. Plan. Think. Follow through.

Don't be afraid......

LIFE CAN BE IRRITATING, EXPENSIVE AND INCONVENIENT

My husband just retired in June of 2013. A few weeks later, we had a friend's 18 year old daughter move in with us. Ahem. This was not the #1 plan for our retirement.

First you should know that we love this girl. She is sweet and hard working. She is funny and kind. She is also messy and forgetful and 18—every minute of every day. Enough said.

Life is not fair. It was not fair to her, because she had to move in with two really boring “old” people who are kind of OCD about nearly everything. It was not fair to us; we had plans for travel and “things” after retirement.

But sometimes, life (and God) will send you on a detour away from your carefully arranged plans. Then when you have to make a choice, hopefully you make the right one. I don't always get it right, but I decided a while ago that if I had to make a hard choice between judgment and mercy, I would try to choose mercy anytime it was possible.

People are not easy to work with, live with, eat with, or argue with. I am not easy. My husband is less easy than I am. (Left-brain people are hard for us right-brain people to cope with.) Our 18-year-old -temporary-daughter is not easy.

Life as a human being and with other human beings is often irritating, expensive and inconvenient.

Eating well is inconvenient too. It costs more to buy healthier food and tastier food. It takes more time to research things and the good stores are always further away than stores that don't sell healthy food. It just takes longer and is much less convenient to plan and cook real things that taste good than just buying items made up with chemicals and pretend food.

But it is all worth it!!! I am making a commitment to go for healthy and feeling good. I want food that tastes good. It really helps me not to fall into the I-pity-myself because I have to eat healthy when food is fresh and pleasing. Not falling into the pity myself mode, keeps me on track.

And I want to give health (and mercy) to those I care about, whenever I possibly can.

STUBBORN LIKE MY SISTER

I still have Christmas fudge in the house. That is a great success and a great problem. It is a success, because, I have not eaten it all (yet) and it is a great problem because I have not eaten it all (yet) hmm.

One of my students came over and asked for help filling out a questionnaire for college. It asked her to list her greatest strengths and then greatest weaknesses. I surprised her when I said, “Greatest strength, stubbornness. You keep on holding on until you finish the task and I admire that. Greatest weakness, stubbornness. Sometimes you won't listen to advice or stop trying when you really need to do so.”

I think that strength is usually an upside-down weakness. My sister, Christi is a pharmacist. That is quite an accomplishment for anyone. It is very hard to make it through any kind of graduate school, but she is even more amazing than that. She entered college as a single mom with five kids, three of them were still at home. Her husband rarely paid any child support. She then adopted a baby grandchild halfway through pharmacy college. She graduated with solid good grades too. I think she belongs at the very tip-top of her class. Very few people understand what obstacles she overcame to graduate. But I know how great she is.

However, I tell her she only made it because she is a stubborn Norwegian. Her task was impossible, but she was too slow and stubborn to know that, so she just kept going anyway. Then she graduated. She knows I too had 4 Norwegian grandparents and am stubborn, so she just smiles knowingly at me.

When I'm trying to Find Normal, in relation to my living and eating, I need the good side of stubbornness. I need to go and fall down and keep on and fall down. Then I need to keep getting up, only one more time than I fall down.

My keeping on lately includes my desire almost every day to stop my sugar habit. I stop eating sugar forever--quite regularly. When I blow it and eat poorly for a day, I know I will have really bad sweet cravings for at least 3 days afterwards.

I desperately need to be stubborn during those days. I will blow it at times, but.... Here goes:

#1. I will get up and keep on, keeping on eating good normal food in moderation.

#2. I will hold onto joy.

#3. I will hold onto health and life.

I want to hold on to living the way I decide. I am choosing to Find Normal with all my strength and stubbornness. I'm gonna make it, just like my sister did.

JUST A FEW KIBBLES SHORT OF A BOWLFUL

Tanna, our rescue dog is getting fatter. Even though I know that all I have to do is shake a few kibbles out of her measuring cup when I feed her, it is hard to do this. If I am faithful, over the next few months, she will gradually lose the pounds until she has her svelte doggy figure back again. I know this works for dogs; it is logical that it should work for me too.

I did this doggy diet before with my big dog Max. I had to be very careful to only give him his normal measured food every day. He tended toward chubby if we let him get away with any snacking. This was probably because Max had some... starvation issues? From his childhood.

Some years ago, I wanted a dog. I've actually always wanted a German Shepherd because I love the breed--the way they look and their intelligence. I started praying for God to help us find the right dog, but my mind was saying, "German Shepherd, please." The summer of 2001, my husband Gary was out in the yard and he saw a dingy gray/brown skulking animal hiding behind the ferns at the bottom of our yard. It looked like a coyote, but coyotes are usually shy of people, so he assumed it was a sick one if it was in the yard in broad daylight. It could have rabies. He didn't want a sick coyote to bite our dog Shela, so he picked up a stick to try to chase it off.

Standing on the bank with the stick in hand, he saw a tail wag from behind the rhododendron bush, so he knew there was a dog hiding instead. Gary called out, “come here, c'mon fella.” And our future in the form of Max came to him squirming and wagging wildly with joy at the sound of human kindness.

I opened my front door to see Gary standing there with a sheepish look on his face and next to him, what looked like a huge rat-dog. We later figured that Max was likely half German Shepherd and half wolfhound, but starved and about six months old, huge head and paws and half his fur lost from starvation. He was absolutely infested with fleas and stink. He was the ugliest dog I had ever seen. He was so hungry though, we fed him and put him in the garage because it too late in the day to bathe him.

In our garage, he had projectile diarrhea. Many of the things in the garage that were not covered in stink, he broke in his panic and fear.

We TRIED SO HARD to find another home for that dog, but we couldn't discover where he came from or where he should go. His fur slowly grew back. We came to appreciate his intelligence but mostly his loyalty and his gentle spirit. He became truly beautiful. One time, he saved my husband Gary from a pit-bull attack and got bitten badly himself. He was a once-in-a-lifetime dog for me. I have never loved a dog that much, and likely never will again. I finally became grateful for him, but it took a while. 

Three reminders for the day: #1. Don't hold so tightly to your plans that you don't allow God's surprise blessings (sometimes in disguise) to get in.

#2. If you want to gradually lose a bit of weight, you just have to cut out a few kibbles a day—but you have to faithfully do it most every day.

#3. Hard childhood events can mess up how you eat when you are a grown up. You should continue on the journey to figure out the how and why of that particular brain short-circuit. Work to figure out where and how those old ghosts are affecting you in order to further the healing.

Bless you.

HOW MUCH DOES PERFECT COST?

I'm still thinking about the holidays. I had 39 people over for dinner on Christmas Eve. That wasn't a bad thing. My husband's family is large and has lots of great people in it. I made some fairly simple plans and has some pot luck help with the food. All good.

The problem is, at the end of the day I was so utterly done, I was almost sick from stress and complete exhaustion. And the reason was not the 39 guests but my own perfectionism. I had to make all homemade rolls and homemade desserts and decorate everything. Really?

People are usually perfectionists because they came from dysfunctional homes, like I did. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was angry. This meant that the things that happened were not always (or even often) logical. When a child does nothing wrong and then gets smacked upside the head for it. (i.e. accidentally waking a sleeping drunk) or does something that is actually wrong and then receives no discipline for that—it is confusing for the kid. The end result is, the child cannot make logical sense of the world. As a child who grew up in such a home, I believed, “If I just don't do anything wrong, then I won't get into trouble.” You try to be perfect. The problem was, I would go for perfect everywhere. and all the time

There you go, the perfect recipe to create OCD perfectionism. Now I'm older and I do see myself acting that way and I fight it, but at times of high stress, I often revert to the old normal. These holidays left me spinning my wheels like a little choo-choo train that ran round and round, up and over the tiny tracks until I fell over on my side. My wheels and gears spun like crazy until I ran out of steam and...was gasping for breath. If you can imagine a train gasping for breath.

Silly me. Sadly, the food I did eat, I didn't even enjoy because I was so distracted. I hardly visited with friends and family because I was too busy. Food—there are times when it is good and right to eat good food and celebrate with loved ones. Not gorging, but certainly not dieting during Christmas dinner, not eating nonstop throughout the last three weeks of December, just eating normally. Good decent enjoyable food in moderation most of the time, with a feast or two thrown in for the sake of celebration and joy. That is my plan and how I want to find normal again.

Resolved for next year: I will slow down and enjoy the day. I will plan, but let go and relax when the plans don't all work out. I will enjoy the food and feasting at times--but most especially the people. Sit, hear, talk, laugh.

I have heard the perfect is the enemy of the good. Lord help me put aside perfect and go after the good.